Daily Fail Whale

Britney channels history to the aliens

Toxic chocolate

Well another week has flown by, and I'm about to clear my desk and head back to the container. The Daily Fail Whale media empire consists of a computer terminal in an open office space, and here I sit most of the day, looking for silly stuff to put on a silly blog. Brythney is a strange island, caught between high technology and nostalgia. Everything used to stop for tea, even the cricket, but now it's espresso and latte to go. Every now and again we hear all sorts of wild rumors about regime change, but so far we are not yet working underground in LooLooLand.
Now that the Royal Bank of Chocolate has gone broke, we are going to have to learn how to yodel, if we still want our Dairy Milka. I changed my name to Toxic, 'cos it sounds a bit more punk. The guy in the ID office raised his eyebrows, but I said it was a publicity stunt, so he approved the change.

A Static Lullaby

Secret plans have been leaked about a top secret plan to save the gin plant. No more chocolate, no more gin, what are things coming to? Apparently they are trying to blame climate change on the rabbits. I'm off to the pub to grab a large G&T while I still can.

Chinese Gmail client

We all know the feeling. Even before you have had your coffee in the morning, you open your Gmail and see loads of unanswered mail. How can we keep up with the flood of information that bombards us every day? Well now there is an answer. Get yourself a little Chinese chap to read your Gmail for you. What Would Google Do? The Google blog explains just how the Chinese Gmail client works:
"...as part of this investigation but independent of the attack on Google, we have discovered that the accounts of dozens of U.S.-, China- and Europe-based Gmail users who are advocates of human rights in China appear to have been routinely accessed by third parties. These accounts have not been accessed through any security breach at Google, but most likely via phishing scams or malware placed on the users' computers."
That seems quite straightforward. Although this service is only available to dissidents and Free tibet supporters at the moment, the People's Liberation Army is planning to extend their cooperation with Google to make it available to everyone in Brythney. MI5 were invited to test the beta two year's ago, "A source with direct knowledge of Google's senior management said the internet giant moved quickly to announce it would stop censoring its Chinese service after realising dissidents were at risk from attempts to use the company's technology for political surveillance. The source said the company's decision was influenced by the experiences of Sergey Brin's Russian refugee background."

Mandate Of Heaven: In China, A New Generation Of Entrepreneurs, Dissidents, Bohemians And Technocra

Tell Your Story at SaveTheInternet.com

Here's a quick demo of a little Chinese chap hacking into Gmail:

A case for 007?

Haiti earthquake - please help!

 This page will be updated regularly during the day

 "The last aftershock was short but there are thousands of people homeless and helpless on the streets… 70 minutes of sleep since Monday morning!...First aftershock of the day. Haiti is still shaking!! HELP!!... Now we need to be organised. Let's make it happen, people. Haiti needs you."  tweet from http://twitter.com/CarelPedre

the hospital across the street is putting bodies out on the street.decomposition.we need portable morgues.generators.food.help.evacuation  - tweet from  http://twitter.com/RAMhaiti/status/7744026827 

Disasters Emergency Committee UK donations

International Red Cross Haiti family news network: http://www.familylinks.icrc.org/haiti/people

Yele.org - non-profit based in Haiti

Incident map of Haiti http://haiti.ushahidi.com/main#

A 7.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest to hit Haiti in more than 200 years, rocked Port-au-Prince last night, destroying a hospital and sending houses tumbling into ravines.The quake was shallow, with a depth of 6.2 miles, and struck at 4.53pm local time with the epicentre 10 miles south-west of Port-au-Prince, according to the US Geological Survey. It was said to have lasted around a minute and was quickly followed by two strong aftershocks of 5.9 and 5.5 magnitude. "There must be thousands of people dead," Sara Fajardo, a spokeswoman for Catholic Relief Services, told the Los Angeles Times. International aid groups are planning a major disaster relief effort. The international Red Cross said up to 3 million people could be affected.The quake crumbled Haiti's presidential residence, the National Palace, but Haiti's ambassador to Mexico, Robert Manuel, said the president, Rene Preval, and his wife had survived. He had no details. Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) said the quake seriously damaged its 60-bed trauma centre hospital, one of the only free-of-charge surgical facilities in Port-au-Prince.

International charities are appealing for donations to help Haiti. Here are some of the ways you can help:

BBC list of international agencies

American Redcross.org/donations

Media_httpuploadwikim_hicwc

Make a donation:

Sign our petition to save the Internet! SaveTheInternet.com

Neuro spin - emperor Sarko superhero clones takeover Dodgy Dossiers R Us

The Auld Pretender's plans to revive the economy with rocket science were foiled within minutes, as superhero Sarko announced that Belgian Neuro Spin Cyber Clones would be launching a takeover bid for Dodgy Dossiers R Us, the secret recycled bullshit energy project. In an attempt to stave off the takeover bid, the Leader has offered to donate the brains of the cabinet to Neuro Spin. His offer was turned down on the grounds that the cabinet brains were worthless forgeries.
On top of all that, Belgium has just declared the Brythney Police to be an illegal organization, unless they stop hugging trees.

Everything is OK

Saving Brythney's economy? It's the rocket science stupid!

As the Gang of Two are no longer being channeled by history, the Leader, after secret talks with the Belgian Royal Bank of Chocolate, has announced a new strategy to save the economy. It's the rocket science, stupid! All of Brythney's trees will be cut down, and, as nobody reads newspapers any more, they will used as budget rocket fuel. Backyard Ballistics is a potentially huge growth industry.
As a solution to the travel chaos caused by the snow, the Auld Pretender believes this will be the start of a boom in low cost galactic commuting. Stephen Hawking will be the first Star Trekkie to use this technology, said a Space Virgins spokesman, adding that the commuting time from LooLooLand to Down Under via New York City would be reduced to one and a half hours.

Follow dailyfailwhale on Twitter

Canada the musical - Dodgy Dossiers R Us Campbell does not accept regime change

Tell Your Story at SaveTheInternet.com

Exclusive footage of Dodgy Dossiers R Us Campbell giving evidence to the inquiry into Iraq's plan to help Belgium bring about regime change in Brythney.
As details emerge proving that Belgium thought regime change would be good for the black market Saint Anthony of Rwanda has been forced to look for some dodgy dossier monks to cover his tracks. The choir of the Saint Anthony of Rwanda Lumberjack Society may have come up with a solution, "Blame Canada." Don't know quite how that will go down with the troops. Sniper One: The Blistering True Story of a British Battle Group Under Siege

Follow dailyfailwhale on Twitter

Lunch the Musical would have a hard time in Canary Wharf

The Love Police are having a hard time spreading the love to the canaries in LooLooLand.

"As soon as the security arrived, they were big guys! About as big as me, and lots of them! I did my best to carry on filming as they punched, grabbed, and tried to rugby-tackle me, but it wasn't easy. They began straight away with physical assault!
Anyway, as they couldn't quite hog-tie me up, they moved onto trying to break the camera (it's quite terrifying when an enraged private security guard grabs the viewfinder of your new camera and tries to twist it off) - this was my main concern, as it was you guys, the viewers which got the camera for me - IT IS OUR CAMERA, and the eye of the Love Police. Anyway, it survived, and I only bled a little from the scratches.
Lesson learnt: Turn up with more people, and keep cameras safely a few metres back for when they get aggressive (if they aggressive).
At the end we all stood there out of breath, I felt no anger at the security, and we hugged. My crimson blood on his collar was quite impressive."

Time for regime change!

Smile or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World

Who benefits from Positive Psychology ? Big business and the state! Who pays for research into Positive Psychology? Big business. Why would they do this apart, from humanitarian motives, wanting to share the 'good' attitudes that got them their megabucks, with the rest of us? Financial realists such as Gelbrand, who ran the property section of Lehmans were already pointing out that they seriously needed to rethink their 'positive pollyana' attitude, as early as 2006. The CEO, fired him for being negative! She points out that anxiety and realism are tools that help us to survive rather than hinder us. That unchecked optimism that is not based on fact is an undesirable and often dangerous attitude.

Follow SarayuJones on Twitter

Fail Whale on Sunday Day of the Jackass in the Winter of Discontent King Boris is a kraut Belgian Shocker!

Today the Leader had a bad hair day. Just when the Gang of Two had been rumbled and shamed, and locked up in Hadrian's Wall, leaked footage from Belgian TV showed that he had been betrayed. His new copin, mate and buddy Sarko has been caught in Paris with celebrity toy train heiress Angel Caroline Merklin.
Yesterday's 10 Rillington Place night vision picture may have revealed a Belgian hint of bonhomie, but the new footage is conclusive. As if that is not enough, on a recent state visit to his Royal Bank of Chocolate in Augsburg, King Boris discovered the documents that contained the secret agreement emperor Sarko, using the codeword Charles, made with Angel Caroline.

The Gang of Two have also been scorned as embittered, pompous and a marble short of the full bag. Maybe there is quite a bit in that too. Yet what they did still tells us a lot about the howling frustration that the Leader arouses in senior figures in the Neue Arbeitspartei. As if all that were not enough, it now turns out that King Boris is a kraut Belgian, related by marriage to emperor Sarko. The hint at the end of the video of secret documents in Stuttgart, probably relating to the southern Belgian takeover of the Brythney car industry, shows just how precarious the situation is. Regime change must be just around the corner.
The next jackal, who worked for 10 years with the Auld Pretender, is waiting in the wings.

Bon courage!